


Instead of Getting Mad at the Ones You Love, Get Mad at the Ones You Hate

by Official_Biscuit_Moron



Category: Gintama
Genre: Crack, Gen, Give Shinpachi More Screentime 2K20, Tama being wonderful!, Yorozuya Family, again was going bonkers with the relationship tags when i did not have to, for the second chapter, get wrecked kintoki, gintoki's a stupid dork. off with his head, oh and pov shinpachi, oops that's probably not a good way to put it, pov golden bastard, sorry bud, we stan kagura
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:42:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25114840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Official_Biscuit_Moron/pseuds/Official_Biscuit_Moron
Summary: That man and those kids, the old ladies – sometimes even their huge dog – would visit her sometimes, while she was being repaired. Sit around, doing foolish things, spitting foolish curses at each other, getting into foolish fights. Sometimes other fools would go in and out, like that odd, dirty wig, attaching itself to the odd, dirty perm, that unnerving, frankly terrifying duck creature, that threatening, screechy woman who increased the volume in Gengai’s workshop to an almost deafening pitch; that tall woman with steel in her spine and kunai in her hair - who would sometimes come by with a kid and another, older woman - who was always sneaking looks at the permy samurai and the screeching shinobi. The couple, hand in hand, one with a practiced, unphased smile, the other gazing at her with unmasked devotion. Even the homeless would drop by.It made something twist weirdly in his metal stomach, seeing all those wearisome, violent, stupid people come in and out./ / /Aka Tama comes back to visit her friends after being repaired!
Comments: 7
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> kintoki amuses me but also he angers me. have this i hope you enjoy it

He goes with her, on the walk back to Snack Otose – it’s.. probably not the best choice, given his. Well, you know. Given his very existence.

It’s nighttime when they arrive in front of the bar, which is still bustling merrily.

That man and those kids, the old ladies – sometimes even their huge dog – would visit her sometimes, while she was being repaired. Sit around, doing foolish things, spitting foolish curses at each other, getting into foolish fights. Sometimes other fools would go in and out, like that odd, dirty wig, attaching itself to the odd, dirty perm, that unnerving, frankly terrifying duck creature, that threatening, screechy woman who increased the volume in Gengai’s workshop to an almost deafening pitch; that tall woman with steel in her spine and kunai in her hair - who would sometimes come by with a kid and another, older woman - who was always sneaking looks at the permy samurai and the screeching shinobi. The couple, hand in hand, one with a practiced, unphased smile, the other gazing at her with unmasked devotion. Even the homeless would drop by.

It made something twist weirdly in his metal stomach, seeing all those wearisome, violent, stupid people come in and out.

They’d all sit and blab and curse and spit at each other, all the while casting unsubtle glances down at the robot laid out on the table. Her face, eerily still, frozen. Her body, motionless.

Tama ducks under the doorway, and there’s an immediate, joyful burst of noise, as a red blur tackles her out of nowhere. A slightly larger, glasses-shaped blur follows it, happy exclamations trailing in their wake. Her smile creases the corners of her plastic eyes.

“Kagura-sama, Shinpachi-sama! So good to see you both!”

Shinpachi’s “It’s good to see you too, Tama-san” is interrupted by Kagura’s loud, cheerful wail of “Tama!!!” The two clutch tightly to her newly washed and ironed dress.

The old woman, Otose, smirks into her cigarette, leaning over the bar, and Catherine keeps looking quickly over at Tama - she’s been uncharacteristically enthusiastic about sweeping the exact same spot for several minutes in the corner of the room, trying not to appear pleased. Some of the bar’s patrons have noticed the return of their favorite server, and wave and shout welcomes at her, happily drunk, trying to get her attention.

He hasn’t come in yet, has he? It’s rather dark out, so they probably haven’t seen him yet. They just haven’t seen him yet.

The twist in his stomach tightens painfully – he makes a note to tell Gengai about it later. Probably a screw loose.

As he’s considering whether to report back to Gengai at once, before it gets any worse, or to quickly make his grand entrance, someone’s shoulder brushes past his, through the doorway. He sees curly, silver hair-

“Oi oi,” Gintoki says obnoxiously. “I step out for one minute, and when I get back there’s a big fuss-”

He stops in its tracks, only a foot in front of Kintoki. The back of his head is level with Kintoki’s eyes, a halo of warm light diffusing through the edges of his curls.

“Gintoki-sama!”

“Tama!”

He slowly steps closer to the little huddle, footfalls uneven and hesitant, and is met with an exasperated, “Seriously, Gin-chan,” another “come _on,_ Gin-san, no need to be so emo” quickly following it, before Kagura’s and Shinpachi’s arms shoot out and tug him into the hug. His arms come around Tama from behind, and encircle her and the kids. After a moment, he tightens his grip, resting the side of his face on the top of her head.

“..Hey, Tama, why didn’t that damn old coot tell us today’s when you were gonna be back?”

“Hmm... I don’t know. I’m afraid that’s not in my data.”

“Aa. Stupid old bastard,” he mutters. “We woulda thrown you a party or something.”

Kintoki stands still, frozen, just outside Snack Otose; his body, motionless.

Kagura detaches herself from the hug. “Well, why can’t we, huh, Gin-chan?”

“Hey.. Yeah, you’re right! Good idea, Kagura-chan! Let’s throw Tama-san a party.”

“Gintoki, stop being useless and go pour the poor girl some oil.”

“Yeah, stupid dirt-poor samurai Sakata-san.”

Gintoki glowers, and calls them both lazy old hags. It comes out fonder than he means it to. He gives the two still in his arms one last squeeze, almost without thinking about it, then steps away, toward the back, throwing up an irritatingly dopey salute.

“Fine,” he says, a smile pulling at the corners of his scowl.

Kintoki finally takes a step away from the doorway, where he’s been standing like an absolute creep for several minutes.

Kagura starts eagerly dragging Tama over to the bar, a beaming grin on her face, and Shinpachi follows, mitigating as best he can.

“Tama-san, is there anyone else you’d want to be here? I know it’s sort of late, but I’m sure they’d be willing to show up for you.”

“Yeah, Tama! Just say the word, and I’ll kidnap anyone you like, uh-huh. Leave it to me! I’ll even get Og*ri Sh*n, yep!”

“Kagura-chan! Stop it! We can’t condone kidnapping!”

Surely.. No. Surely this is too convenient, Kintoki thinks. This is a really obvious plot device.

“Oh? Anyone I’d want to be here…?”

This is where Tama says, “Ah, I know! That handsome guy, you know, with the straight gold hair – he’s actually standing right outside! Yeah, that Kintoki guy! SO handsome!”

“Well.. Let’s see..”

Hoisting a charming grin onto his face, Kintoki readies himself for his long-awaited grand entrance.

“Well..? No, there’s not anyone I could think of. Thank you, Kagura-sama, Shinpachi-sama, for your consideration!”

“No? Not even Og*ri Sh*n? I bet you’re thinking I couldn’t really get him, huh! Well, I can! I can! I’ll snatch him right up, yep. Say no more, Tama, Yorozuya Gura-san’s got you covered, uh-huh!”

“Kagura-chan, _no-_ ”

Heh, Kintoki thinks to himself. Nearly got me with that one. This is where it turns around again. She’s about to say she actually _does_ want to invite someone. Just wait.

“Ah… Actually, Shinpachi-sama? One request does come to mind, now that I think about it.”

“Oh! Sure, Tama-san! Today’s a special day, whatever you want!”

Kintoki straightens his kimono, flattens his already flat, silky hair. It wouldn’t do to look disheveled- not that he ever looks disheveled.

“I’m sure you and the others have already noticed – he’s not been subtle about it, has he – but there’s a certain, robotic idiot with gold hair waiting outside.”

“Aa, yeah, I wasn’t gonna mention him, nope.. Want me to drag him in?”

This is it.

“Oh, that’s very thoughtful of you, Kagura-sama, but that’s not where I was going at all. Could one of you – on your own time, of course – just go out there and give him a good, solid kick in the balls? I’d do it myself, any other time, but Shinpachi-sama said today is a special day, and I could have whatever I wanted.”

Um.

“Um.. Tama-san.. Um… Should we really do that? I mean.. It’s one thing to just leave him standing out there like a loser, but I don’t know if we should add injury to insult like that. Besides.. Um. He’s a robot. So it probably wouldn’t hurt him at all, and I can’t imagine it would be any good for us either.”

“Come _on_ , Shinpachi!" Kagura says exasperatedly. "This is why you’re so Shinpachi - you don’t get it at all, nope! Kicking someone in the balls may not good for the feet, but it _is_ good for the soul! Gin-chan says that kicking someone - someone who really deserves it - right in the balls makes you almost as happy as eating a good parfait, uh-huh.”

Kagura bounces excitedly in her seat.

“Boy,” she says, brow furrowed in thought, “I bet Gin-chan would _love_ to take a crack at that guy’s dick.”

“OH MY GOD- Kagura-chan! Think about context – before you say things, think about how they’d sound taken out of-”

“But too bad, yes?! Teehee! I got here first! Those kintama are mine, uh-huh!”

“KAGURA-CHAN! PLEASE STOP!”

Kintoki decides, wisely, to make a run for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (hey! here's a petition to sign to support blm: change.org/JusticeforBreonnaTaylor)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We can sacrifice a few metal dicks, for this happiness.

Shinpachi is powerless to stop Kagura from barreling after Kintoki. Her small arms are infinitely stronger than his, and her small legs propel her at a terrifying, unstoppable speed after her target.

He lets out a defeated sigh.

“Cheer up, Shinpachi-sama. Today’s a special day, after all.”

Shinpachi sighs again, somehow even more defeated than before. “Okay, Tama-san," he mutters. "I guess.. I guess we can’t really get taken off the air in a fanfiction, anyway.”

“That’s the spirit! Keep it up, Shinpachi-kun, mom believes in you!”

Shinpachi turns around on his barstool. “Gin-san,” he says, surprised, “Why’d it take you so long to get Tama-san’s oil? What happened? Could you not find it? I thought it was right in the back..”

Gintoki sets a gasoline-filled glass in front of Tama, then closes his eyes haughtily and says, “It’s sure a good thing that Kagura went after that golden bastard. Some people are so high and mighty – but is their _soul_ high and mighty? Are they high and mighty in the eyes of the Shogun? In the eyes of the god of strawberry milk?”

“...You couldn’t find it, could you. It’s okay, Gin-san. No one’s going to judge you for it. It’s really not even that important.”

“You know, there’s nothing more satisfying than giving someone a good, solid kick, right in the balls. Well.. maybe a well-made parfait is more satisfying. A chocolate one, maybe. With strawberries. And cream. And vanilla ice cream, and chocolate ice cream too, and a cookie, on the top of it. And chocolate syrup – yeah, yeah... That sounds really nice, actually. And caramel. And more chocola-”

“Gin-san.”

Gintoki coughs, continuing unfalteringly, “That smug bitch thinks he can just take over the whole point of view of this fic, take a nice, heart-warming scene about a girl reuniting with her friends, and make it about his manpain! Not happening, goddammit! You know how much manpain he caused the rest of us? You know how much _manpain_ he’s about to feel, when Kagura kicks him in the balls?”

“Uh.. I guess that’s an okay point. But. You’re still avoiding my question. You had a really hard time finding the oil, huh, Gin-san.”

“Affirmative!” Tama says, in an oddly pitched falsetto, taking a sip.

“I don’t sound like that!!” Gintoki screeches, in an oddly pitched falsetto. He grimaces upon hearing himself. “And it doesn’t matter anyway! I didn’t even take that long! Why are you interrogating me?! You're always nagging and bitching! You’re a pain! And- And look, Tama’s enjoying it – it all worked out, so leave me alone, you bastards!”

“How do you know if she’s enjoying it?”

“I am enjoying the oil.”

“See?! Ha! Haha! Suck on that!”

“You’re ruining the mood, Gintoki-sama. Isn’t this supposed to be a nice, heart-warming scene about a girl reuniting with her friends? Free of manpain?”

Tama looks at him, tilting her head, a curious expression on her face. Gintoki sweats.

He’s saved the arduous task of owning up to his hypocrisy by Kagura’s flamboyant re-entrance; she stands, framed in the doorway, beaming around at them like like she’s just been given a yearlong supply of sukonbu and is eagerly anticipating powering through all of it in a single week. Shinpachi feels sort of like he should bow, or something – he sees a couple drunk bar-goers unconsciously getting down to their knees in supplication. He can’t blame them. Kagura is a deity few are willing to piss off.

Kagura’s beaming smile settles easily into a smirk, and, with an ominous glint in her eye, she roars, “THE QUEEN OF KABUKICHO HAS RETURNED!” to raucous applause and cheering – this only grows in volume after she thrusts her clenched fist into the air, holding some sort of small metal object; oh, Shinpachi realizes. It’s shaped like a dick. Huh. Where’d she get that?

Tama rises delicately to her feet as Kagura approaches her, dick-shaped metal object in hand, and gets down on one knee. She bows her head, red hair falling over her eyes, and offers it to the robot – Tama smiles benignly down at her, accepting it graciously, carefully. A lone man in the back lets out a nasal, celebratory hoot before clumsily falling to the ground, passed out, his friends shushing him excitedly, observing Tama and Kagura’s exchange as closely as Gintoki might observe a particularly delicious parfait.

“Wait,” Shinpachi says, as Tama snaps the metal dick neatly in half, to a standing ovation. Someone shouts, ‘huzzah!’ in the background, to more cries of encouragement.

“Uh,” he elaborates, as Gintoki grins, patting Tama on the back, and she places a gentle hand on his arm, as if to say, ‘not now, you broke bitch. I’m enjoying my moment of triumph.’ Gintoki’s grudgingly impressed by how many words she was able to get across in such a wordless gesture, and stops patting her on the back.

“J-just a moment,” he insists, as Otose and Catherine congratulate her – the latter a little more reluctantly than is proper, not even pretending to be sweeping any more – and top up her glass of oil.

The entire bar is occupied in a series of increasingly rowdy toasts when Shinpachi finally recovers his use of the Japanese language; with this newfound knowledge, he bellows, “HOLD ON! THAT’S A DICK!”

Ah – maybe not entirely recovered, then. He tries again. “THAT’S A METAL DICK, AND SO IT’S KINTOKI’S DICK! YOU RIPPED OFF HIS DICK! I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST GONNA KICK HIM IN THE BALLS?”

Kagura stops laughing and obnoxiously clinking her glass of Koronamin C with Tama’s glass of oil to tell him, “I got a little carried away, yes?”

“ _You got so carried away you ripped off his dick?_ How is that getting carried away? You’re- that’s just cruel!” Shinpachi splutters, and is met with a sea of reproachful frowns; the drunk men are quick to correct him.

“No, no!” one explains, while his friend nods importantly.

Another one adds, helpfully, “I like this sake,” to a chorus of agreement.

A particularly bold fellow turns to the man beside him, asking urgently, “Who am I? _Who am I?!_ Tell me, please!” but no one replies. He looks down, a little dejected, but eventually shrugs it off, and the men around him cheer supportively.

Kagura turns away from the mob, bobbing her head, and gives Shinpachi a knowing look. “Well, there you have it, yep!” she says.

“Um,” Shinpachi says, “I don’t think I have it, Kagura-chan.”

Gintoki places a gentle hand on his arm, as if to say, ‘sometimes, Shinpachi-kun, there are things that don’t need to be explained. Some things are inexplicable, and there’s no changing that. You’ll understand when you get older – for now, just relax, and enjoy the dick-ripping party!’ but it doesn’t come across nearly as clearly as when Tama did it to him, and only serves to increase Shinpachi’s confusion. He feels another straight man remark building up inside him, but shoves it down, thinking hard.

He looks around at all these happy people, at Kagura laughing, at Gintoki examining his hand, wondering why it malfunctioned, at Tama’s happy, radiant smile, and thinks, maybe this isn’t so bad.

Maybe this is enough.

We can sacrifice a few metal dicks, for this happiness.

Some things, Shinpachi tells himself, feeling very profound, don’t need to be explained. Some things are inexplicable, and there’s no changing that.

He smiles at these people around him, these wearisome, violent, stupid people. Gintoki, for some reason, is looking at him with an air of utter betrayal, but Shinpachi’s sure it doesn’t mean anything. He’s content, in this moment. Kagura’s content. Otose’s content. Catherine doesn’t look it, but she is too.

And Tama?

Well, he sees, Tama is joyful and smiling and laughing and she’s back, she’s back, she’s _back_ and she’s _alive_. _This is enough._

I’ll understand when I get older – for now, I should just relax, and enjoy the dick-ripping party!

And so he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (howdy! here's a petition to sign to support blm: http://chng.it/vkV2STwJXn)

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, have lovely day stay safe!


End file.
